To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?

I was painting right now and somehow the Hide and Seek remix of Whatchya Say reminded me of this guy I like(d?). He broke up with his long distant girlfriend but clearly still has some feelings for her now. Although, during his last semester abroad he had been hooking up with other girls. Now, apparently, he and his girlfriend might get back together... apparently, that is.

This got me really thinking... when does a forgiving person become a person with no/less self-respect? I've heard it's wrong to hold grudges and good to forgive and forget... so does that mean we should forgive and forget every mistake, every harsh action? Irrespective of it being intentional or unintentional?

I think of myself as a person who is forgiving but also has an appropriate amount of self respect (i.e without being arrogant). But in some situations I'm never able to decide what I would do. If I was her^ would I forgive him (if he even told me)? Should I forgive him? What's right, what's wrong, what does society want, what do I want. so many questions, so many parameters but nothing either way I'm scarred right?

Every mistake I've ever made has impacted me, changed something about me. Every mistake that another person has made in relation to my life has also impacted me or changed me. I might be able to forgive but I haven't forgotten it all right? Ironically, even if I say I have forgiven, it might still sting me mentally when I remember, does that mean I haven't truly forgiven? Sometimes I feel I can counter my own opinion with my other opinion --- We fall, we bleed, we scar. It might heal, we might remember the fall each time we look at that scar, but somewhere down the line it becomes just another blemish; a part of our body like drop of deep red blood blending in the bluest sea...

- Ignoring the above digression -

I probe my fickle mind further, I realize I can't come to conclusion. I've never felt what she felt to really know if my decision to forgive was right or weak. But I do conclude that the line between right and wrong is relative to each now of us and because feeling aren't a science, we can't average out everyones opinions and use that as our yard stick. We must do what we must do. So in the end a forgiving person is a fool with/no self-respect because our yard sticks are completely different...

There are times in college when I just sit back and think about my life here - how superficial it is. No, I'm not saying it is how it is for everyone. I'm saying that for me, as a student from India theres nothing deep rooted to hold onto. Theres nothing meaningful to believe in. Schedules are so perfect, hook-ups are so emotionless, life is so mechanical I feel less like a human being. It's like living in the high school hostel I was never (fortunately) allowed to go to...

With 6.5 semesters still to go, a part of me wonders will I make it? Will I adjust? Will I manage to laugh at the small talk so alien to me and come back to my room and think my day was meaningful? Or will I find myself secretly craving my home only too often?

Only time can tell

Unhinged?

"Senior" chapter.

why am I blogging this shit? I have no frickin clue. For the first time in my life I feel rejected, embarrassed but hopeful (?). I feel vulnerable. Maybe cause of the shit from last semester I feel my emotional drawer just opened... maybe cause this h-up made me feel more real than before.. i just want to remember it, the awkwardness, the fun bit

4th February. Desperate housewives and cabana boys at GayTO... fun(danced, twirled at the end of it, cure romantic style, #bloodycharmer, i acted sassy. never gonna forget "so.. have you ever h-up with a freshman before?". later took my number

4th-1th i texted after 3 days. he replied thrice before my next. asked him out same night.

10th feb: he went for pi date party

11th February. asked me about plans. Skip PDT with sis and her sis. head to GTO... said silly things like "2011 right now" #tipsystupidfoolthatiwas, we talk a lot. he randomly goes to the bathroom, come back to quick, see him lock door. HAH not that tipsy now huh? talk for 10 secs and then...he asked awk q when h-ing-up, replied awkly. continue for a few seconds then roommate tried opening door. he texted roommate said "think you got a text". convo related to going to mags, ends with me saying with my sis and her sis... can't.. end with me going back to PDT( and almost feeling chucked out, even though he dropped till GTO door)... and he's at Mags. #awkorembarrased... BOTH then the whole PDT drama ..... #whattafailnight

13/14th February. Got ditched.

15th feb: *$ with sana, feeling blueeeeeee

ignoring began.

16th feb don't know for date party OBVI

17th feb bloody math mid term

next week.... encounters in one day

1. asbury circle. him(was doing some lasso shit. kinda cute), roommate, sis's brown friend from ZT

2. jazzman's

3. 3rd floor

he had on blue top (weird i remember, no significance though)

before 26th:taking short cut from GTO to lodge, see his car enter narrow driveway. he sees before I do. imagine chances. sis on the phone immediately after, didn't even notice. feeling SOOO awk. this was a close encounter.

26th/27th feb: walking back at wish or something from libs with sis, she's on the phone. see him walking on asbury with friends... very dark. know he saw me back...

3rd march. meet at dance off outside.

4th march. reading room. sound of my boots makes him look up and then away #awk me studying for econ mid term next day. don't need distractions

5th march. starbucks. see him once. stomach fuzzy feeling. #wtfthisneverhappenstome :S :/ :(

see him twice. again inside *$ in same position. see him third time when leaving. goddamn elevator isn't coming. hate walking up till barnes nobles. use the stairs outside.. bad move. he's there with friends. laughs hysterically (not at me, hope not at least. LOL). awk long and slow walk up. can feel some eyes on my back.. maybe his...