This post might be redundant

So much has happened in the past year that I've not posted. And surprisingly I realize I never really posted about a lot of things even between my earlier posts. It's not that these posts are the most important things happening in my life. The ones from college definitely aren't. Random  thoughts and experiences that don't make me too emotional are the ones which I write about. It's always when I'm thinking about something while studying - my mind digresses, train of thought takes me to something hiding in my subconscious mind and there, it jumps at me, and I find I've written my annual or bi-annual blog post.

Anyway..  I'm not writing for anyone but myself, so no one misses it. But just reading my posts makes me want to write, and write every day or every time I'm moved by something even in a small way. My original reason to post today was because I was making a study guide for my class with my macbook on the right and notes on the left and I remembered that I learnt the correct style side of painting as a righty (3D on the left ahead and canvas on the right right in front of you) in my art class, my school has almost dissolved it's visual arts program. Recently, an alum at a seminar wrote about how blogging helped her land a job without interviewing at the company and that was somewhere in my subconscious mind because hey.. I blog (barely) and even though I write posts only for myself, I felt it was time to write something. I wanted to write a testament to what all I learnt in my art class that applied not only to art but things that I use even in my concentrations and daily life.

But, of course - I signed in and curiosity made me want to read what I had written before and now I want to post about my personal life as well.

How are things? I ask myself. It's not odd to ask yourself that. My school is recently obsessing over self awareness but knowing moi required me to know how moi feels and only moi knows that. It' really not something you answer truthfully to others. I mean I've said "Great" a gazillion times. Are things really great? Umm maybe. They've been good at times, but also pretty crappy. But is that a question people really want to hear an answer to? No. I mean how many times do you really want to know? Crossing a friend in the corridor he says "hey, how are you?" "great, great! you?" "great!" and you're almost out of earshot by the time he replies. Do you really care? No, it's small talk, it's formality, it's normal behavior.

But then again.... if they really cared, and they asked, are you willing to tell them? Explain the problems, expose the vulnerabilities? Depends, on who asks and who it's asked to. Some people will vomit their burdens out, others might just say "great!" again.

I recently grabbed dinner with a girl-friend after a long time who recently broke up with her boyfriend of two years. He graduated but she still goes to college here. Popular as a couple, their relationship status was known to even teachers they interacted with. So naturally when she sees those professors walking by, they ask "Hows whatshisname doing in graduate school?" Can you guess the answer she gives? "He's great! loving it back in LA!" Hmmm. Is she feigning a relationship? NO. She's just avoiding an awkward conversation with a professor while crossing him in a busy school building. She doesn't want to do this right now or with this person. She doesn't want to explain her problem and expose her vulnerability. 

And that's okay.

And here is what makes this post kind of redundant - we know this. We want this.
We know that we don't want to ask/answer these questions. Sometimes it's better to not know whether they're "great" or they're "great". It's okay to not to be so vocal as long as it's not sending you into depression or leaving you with not potential somebody to talk to if and when you want to. Your emotions don't have to be an open book if you prefer them not to be. It's not even lying, it's just.. being passive

But we don't realize that human communication has become so robotic that we aren't even aware of what we're saying - what questions we ask / what assumptions we make / what we mean by words we use?

I hate myself - yes yes hate is a strong word, whatever. I would    hate    myself if I ever say something like "that's retarded" or "that's lame" or "that's so gay". <-- and="" br="" disgusting="" is="" just="" mean="" that="" unnecessary.=""> Even the phrase "that's awesome". We completely overuse that word awesome. That pepperoni pizza is NOT awe inspiring. It's tasty, it might be sumptuous, but, it cannot be awe-inspiring! A mountain in the gleaming morning sun with it's snowy lofty peaks reaching up into the fog and the valleys hidden behind a double rainbow - that is awesome.... so English is technically my second first-language and yes, I do make a lot of errors myself, but at least I don't find my new shade of peach nail polish awesome...

We senselessly use words and phrases and give too much or too less of a meaning to them. Writing "great" all over this blog has made it lose meaning to me. Great, great! great? greaattttt.....
Great! the word great just lost all meaning. Similarly, with the phrases above...


Anyway... I was digressing as usual...

Like I said, my school is recently obsessing over self awareness - but knowing moi requires me to know how moi feels.

So,
I ask myself again,
how am I?


Greaaaatttt

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?

I was painting right now and somehow the Hide and Seek remix of Whatchya Say reminded me of this guy I like(d?). He broke up with his long distant girlfriend but clearly still has some feelings for her now. Although, during his last semester abroad he had been hooking up with other girls. Now, apparently, he and his girlfriend might get back together... apparently, that is.

This got me really thinking... when does a forgiving person become a person with no/less self-respect? I've heard it's wrong to hold grudges and good to forgive and forget... so does that mean we should forgive and forget every mistake, every harsh action? Irrespective of it being intentional or unintentional?

I think of myself as a person who is forgiving but also has an appropriate amount of self respect (i.e without being arrogant). But in some situations I'm never able to decide what I would do. If I was her^ would I forgive him (if he even told me)? Should I forgive him? What's right, what's wrong, what does society want, what do I want. so many questions, so many parameters but nothing either way I'm scarred right?

Every mistake I've ever made has impacted me, changed something about me. Every mistake that another person has made in relation to my life has also impacted me or changed me. I might be able to forgive but I haven't forgotten it all right? Ironically, even if I say I have forgiven, it might still sting me mentally when I remember, does that mean I haven't truly forgiven? Sometimes I feel I can counter my own opinion with my other opinion --- We fall, we bleed, we scar. It might heal, we might remember the fall each time we look at that scar, but somewhere down the line it becomes just another blemish; a part of our body like drop of deep red blood blending in the bluest sea...

- Ignoring the above digression -

I probe my fickle mind further, I realize I can't come to conclusion. I've never felt what she felt to really know if my decision to forgive was right or weak. But I do conclude that the line between right and wrong is relative to each now of us and because feeling aren't a science, we can't average out everyones opinions and use that as our yard stick. We must do what we must do. So in the end a forgiving person is a fool with/no self-respect because our yard sticks are completely different...

There are times in college when I just sit back and think about my life here - how superficial it is. No, I'm not saying it is how it is for everyone. I'm saying that for me, as a student from India theres nothing deep rooted to hold onto. Theres nothing meaningful to believe in. Schedules are so perfect, hook-ups are so emotionless, life is so mechanical I feel less like a human being. It's like living in the high school hostel I was never (fortunately) allowed to go to...

With 6.5 semesters still to go, a part of me wonders will I make it? Will I adjust? Will I manage to laugh at the small talk so alien to me and come back to my room and think my day was meaningful? Or will I find myself secretly craving my home only too often?

Only time can tell

Unhinged?

"Senior" chapter.

why am I blogging this shit? I have no frickin clue. For the first time in my life I feel rejected, embarrassed but hopeful (?). I feel vulnerable. Maybe cause of the shit from last semester I feel my emotional drawer just opened... maybe cause this h-up made me feel more real than before.. i just want to remember it, the awkwardness, the fun bit

4th February. Desperate housewives and cabana boys at GayTO... fun(danced, twirled at the end of it, cure romantic style, #bloodycharmer, i acted sassy. never gonna forget "so.. have you ever h-up with a freshman before?". later took my number

4th-1th i texted after 3 days. he replied thrice before my next. asked him out same night.

10th feb: he went for pi date party

11th February. asked me about plans. Skip PDT with sis and her sis. head to GTO... said silly things like "2011 right now" #tipsystupidfoolthatiwas, we talk a lot. he randomly goes to the bathroom, come back to quick, see him lock door. HAH not that tipsy now huh? talk for 10 secs and then...he asked awk q when h-ing-up, replied awkly. continue for a few seconds then roommate tried opening door. he texted roommate said "think you got a text". convo related to going to mags, ends with me saying with my sis and her sis... can't.. end with me going back to PDT( and almost feeling chucked out, even though he dropped till GTO door)... and he's at Mags. #awkorembarrased... BOTH then the whole PDT drama ..... #whattafailnight

13/14th February. Got ditched.

15th feb: *$ with sana, feeling blueeeeeee

ignoring began.

16th feb don't know for date party OBVI

17th feb bloody math mid term

next week.... encounters in one day

1. asbury circle. him(was doing some lasso shit. kinda cute), roommate, sis's brown friend from ZT

2. jazzman's

3. 3rd floor

he had on blue top (weird i remember, no significance though)

before 26th:taking short cut from GTO to lodge, see his car enter narrow driveway. he sees before I do. imagine chances. sis on the phone immediately after, didn't even notice. feeling SOOO awk. this was a close encounter.

26th/27th feb: walking back at wish or something from libs with sis, she's on the phone. see him walking on asbury with friends... very dark. know he saw me back...

3rd march. meet at dance off outside.

4th march. reading room. sound of my boots makes him look up and then away #awk me studying for econ mid term next day. don't need distractions

5th march. starbucks. see him once. stomach fuzzy feeling. #wtfthisneverhappenstome :S :/ :(

see him twice. again inside *$ in same position. see him third time when leaving. goddamn elevator isn't coming. hate walking up till barnes nobles. use the stairs outside.. bad move. he's there with friends. laughs hysterically (not at me, hope not at least. LOL). awk long and slow walk up. can feel some eyes on my back.. maybe his...

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night. Had I known how to save a life" -The Fray

When you lose a close one, you are sad, you lose hope in life, you are in grief, but many a times, when they pass away unexpectedly, you lament. You wish you'd spent more time with them or not taken them for granted as you did. I lost my friend to an accident in March 2007, he didn't pass away immediately but I never got to meet him when he was hurt. It still hurts me when I hear someone calling a person with his name. I remember him, and I regret. Regret can make you feel guilty and angry I've heard... I was both...

It was March 2007, my friends and I were eagerly filling up our forms for an exchange program in Singapore. We were fresh in ninth grade then and were enjoying all the importance we got from our new teachers. I remember filling the form and praying to God, telling him that I'll do anything to go for the program, ANYTHING! I was very eager to go. The evening after school that day, I was online on MSN when Gunir came online; we were generally talking when all of a sudden he said that he was upset and would talk to me later. As Gunir was not a very serious person, his being upset seemed rather weird. When I asked him the reason he said that Shiven fell down while playing basketball at the RClub and hurt himself. He felt bad because he was supposed to be at the RClub with Shiven when the accident happened. I tried to reassure him by saying that it was just a fall, he'd be ok. Gunir logged off without a reply. I didn't pay much heed to the conversation till much later.

The next day in school, we had our interviews for the exchange program. I was very jittery, I had prepared all week for the interview and was hoping to get through. The interview went very smoothly for me and I was satisfied. Dipti, Urvika, Rushi J, Sunena were also interviewed. That day Gunir had been a little off in school and Shiven didn't attend school at all. With all the excitement and anxiety of the interview, I never really noticed Gunir's awkward behaviour. Online that evening, I asked Punit about Shiven, he said Shiven was hurt and was in the hospital and Gunir and he, with four or five other boys had just met him and come back. My girlfriends and I decided to meet Shiven in the hospital the next day.

In school the next day, the results of the interview were announced, Dipti, Urvika and I were chosen, but Sunena and Rushi J were not. I was happy for myself and for Dipti and Urvika. But I felt bad for my two best friends. They were distraught and cried too. That very same day, Shiven’s close friends asked us not to meet him at the hospital as he was feeling better and might return to school before Urvika, Dipti and I left for 2 weeks to Singapore. I was doubly happy that day and even RJ's and Sunena's moods lifted. In school, Dipti, Urvika and I hung out more that week, we attended our cultural dance practice sessions and took breaks together. I wasn't close to them before this and I began to spend more time with them than I had with Sunena or even RJ. I didn't realize this closeness would affect my friendship with everyone else later on. At the same time, we kept getting news of how the RClub sports dept had been irresponsible and this had led to Shiven’s accident. Shiven's condition was unknown to us since Gunir was kind of in a shell those days.

I remember going to the market to buy some necessities that day. When I came back I was eating lunch in my room with my sister. My phone rang and I picked it up, I was about to say that "I'll call you back" when my friend Stutee told me Shiven was no more... I don't remember saying anything then... I remember getting up and walking to my loo while listening to my friend sob on the phone, I remember cutting the call without saying anything to her and I remember crying... I remember my sister leaving her food and walking up to me and hugging me, I remember her understanding what happened without me telling her and I remember asking her to leave me alone for a bit after that.. I had felt the pain of losing close ones before, I've felt empty before too, but it had never happened so unexpectedly, never so suddenly. I just remember being hurt then and I remembered Shiven's happy-go-lucky smiling face, I never saw him in pain, but the thing was, I never saw him at all...

I went to school the next day, I hadn't been able to catch Gunir or Punit G or anyone on the phone that day. I never knew the how, the when, the why of the situation. I was angry at myself and I was angry at everything. Shiven had been my friend for 2 years. 2 years when my friends and I had had fun and grown closer. I had not been in touch with him that whole month of March and I felt like a b**** then. I felt stupid and very upset and angry.
In a stupid cultural practice that day, Dipti, Urvika and I were singing Michael Jackson's "Heal the World". Dipti and I weren't ourselves that day, I was going to Shiven's house with my mom, Sunena and Sunena's mom after school, and Shiven was all I could think about. Dipti and I looked at each other when the song began and feeling a lump rising in my throat I didn't sing, Dipti too seemed to be having problems while singing. We just stood there listening to our friends sing the song. In a rush, I remembered Shiven, Gunir, Sunena, Samar, PG, RJ and Dipti's happy moments together, I remembered our conversations and how much fun we had, I remembered all the times he had turned up late in class and how all of us had laughed at the funny hand wave he had done once in physics class, I laughed a little then, remembering the flick-like action, it had become a trademark-Shiven action. I laughed and then I noticed I was crying and Dipti was crying too. The song was almost over and our teacher was looking at us understandingly. Urvika tried to placate us both. She hadn't known Shiven well at all, but she was teary eyed too. I can't forget that day, it was then when the realization had hit me, Shiven was gone, he was gone forever...
At his house in the evening I met his sisters, his mom and his dad. Sunena and I had promised not to be weepy in front of his family, but seeing his family all in white and seeing his photo with a mala on it, we couldn't help but weep. RJ was nearby with her mom, she was crying too. She had been very close to Shiven as Gunir, PG, Shiven and she all lived nearby and they had known each other for a very long time.

On the next school day, in assembly, our principal announced Shiven's passing away. She made Gunir come on stage to say a few words about Shiven and how he felt and everything. There was actual silence in the hall that day, everybody was quiet. Gunir walked slowly towards ma'am, he was visibly crying, his face was glowing with tears when he took the mike, he tried to clear his throat in vain and said-"He was my best friend--"... He couldn't speak anymore. He didn't have too either. Everyone could hear the pain in his voice. It was evident what he 'felt'. That was the first time in my life I ever saw Gunir cry, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry again. That is when I realised he had lost his brother, his closest friend. I remember looking at Sunena then and thinking how would I be if anything ever happened to her. I would be as bad as Gunir I guess, probably uncontrollable... A lump was in my throat on seeing Gunir use the past tense to refer to Shiven, before I knew it I began crying again...
Sometimes I feel it was regret which made my tears so unstoppable. I regretted not meeting Shiven, having the chance and yet not taking it. Maybe if I had met him that week I would have just one more memory of him to remember him by and that would have made all the difference.
Soon there were reporters called to our school who took interviews of my friends and me. We spoke about Shiven and how he didn't do anything illegal by playing the club that day. The pole which had collapsed on him had been damaged badly; prior to Shiven and his friends playing there. No authorities had warned Shiven and his friends of the situation. It wasn't his fault! We stood by it then and we will stand by it forever.

The newspaper had an article about a march carried out by Shiven’s friends; the television dedicated a segment to him too. I have the article with me. Its shows a few friends of mine lighting candles around Shiven’s photograph, demanding justice from the RClub which wanted to give a complimentary lunch to all his friends along with one bouquet of flowers to placate all his close ones. Nice way to calm a crowd, eh? I don’t think so, it just worsened the situation.

Everyday there were new developments with the media as well as the exchange program. Till the 28th of that month I had completely forgotten that I had to go to Singapore, physically leave Delhi and GO there. I guess I had been attending those practices without thinking of the reason why I was attending them; it had all just been a big blur. When I was to actually go to Singapore on the 30th I wasn’t in any state to go, there was a rally that day the RClub, all my friends were going there, except D, U and me. I was going to the airport to leave, to go to S’pore. I know some of people thought I was being a heartless bitch, crying one day and leaving the country the next. I don’t think I ever got to explain myself to them, ever. I wanted to get out, to escape, I had already lost my beloved Nani before and I knew how it would be with Shiven, the rites and rituals, I knew I’d cry and be sad, I knew I would be depressed and hopeless for a awhile before everything started to be normal again.. I knew I was being unreasonable and stupid then too, I knew that I might regret not being there with everyone to get justice for him, but I also knew I wanted a clean end. I wanted to remember him and not how he died and got no justice. My parents had asked me if I’d like to cancel the program once or twice and I clearly remember saying no... I’m not ashamed of what I did, but again, I regret not staying back...

On the plane I remember sitting on the seat and thinking of everything that had happened in the past two weeks... My close friend had died of an accident, yet I was on a plane leaving for another country; I was leaving my friends behind fighting for Shiven, while some of my friends, namely Sunena and RJ, weren’t even on talking terms with me. My sister Zara has just finished with her 10th boards and I hadn’t even spent a minute with her for 3 months yet I was leaving her one day after her boards finished. Wow right? I remember chuckling at my life then, how much of a mess I was in. Everything was fixable I guess, everything except Shiven’s death, but it didn’t seem so then. I was happy I was running away from everything, I was happy I was getting a 2 week break and so I was really happy when I finally saw the plane taking off the runway. Finally.
x

I don't know how one does this, but whatever.

(Post 1.1)

It all began in ninth grade for me. The beginning of new friendships, of mega-dating, of kisses and hugs, of waterworks and fights. We weren't like this before, never. We were sane, we were studious, we were just dorks. But no longer. When I say 'we' I mean my friends, who I love very much, but since I can't burden my friends with what I feel always, I have to burder you. I don't even know if anyonw will ever read my nonsense but it gives me peace of mind to write, just let it all out, to tell someone how it was and how it is now. I'm an emotional person but I can't/don't show it. I'm someone who rubs her tears while watching a movie before anyone can see I cried. I listen to sentimental songs, I lament my mistakes, I reminisce my past, and I love, sometimes too much.. Before much ado, I want to introduce my friends to you, So here goes something..

Lets begin with my best friend of 9 years (9 years since then, its been 11 now), her name is Sunena. She is sweet, immature, lovable, kiddish, gullible, immature, funny, kiddish, boyish, immature. You get the idea. She very pretty and has many a times been compared to Aishwarya Rai. So thats big. Yeah. :) We've been friends since 9 years, I know her likes and dislikes, I know her moods and her ways, I know how to annoy her and how to placate her, I know her, in and out. Thats it. No one knows her better and I am sure of that. She is an only child and I know I'm like her sister.
There is Rushi J. She is in a few words, a version Monica Gellar-Bing. She is hyper. Very hyper. She enjoys attention a lot. She is a very close friend, a very very close friend. She sings like a nightingale, but she sings a little too often for my likng, Sorry RJ, I still love you though. :)
There are Urvika and Dipti. Its funny how I wrote their names together. They dislike eachother a lot. Urvika is the opposite of Dipti is principles, looks, theories, everything. They both confide in me, talking ill about the other. They pretend to like eachother and are diplomatic with one another, I like it this way. If they confide in me, I know I'll never tell the other what one is saying so there will be no confrontation and hence no fight. Thats what matters at the end of the day.. Urvika is an only child, a little crazy, very entertaining, very funny, at times a little irritating, but I like her like that, Dipti is on the other hand, more serious, she is an English Dictionnary, very eloquent, a little no-nonsense type. Both lovvee gossiping, specially Dipti, she can NEVER hold anything in her stomach. EVER. Urvika is a very different character. She was the last person I would have thought would date, but she was the first. She is eccentric and uses words and phrases like "jittery" and "two hoots" and Dipti on the other hand is the type to use words like "superfluous" or "obsequious". I love them both too!
Now with the boyss.
There are three of them. Gunir, Punit G, and Samar.
Gunir is funny. He is a psychopath. He is amiable. He is the kind of guy who is almost never serious. But don't get him wrong, he is very intelligent too. He is the guy I go to for guy advice. PG is his best friend, these two have grown up together, they both are brothers, literally. They are like Sunena and me, but with lesser fights and less immaturity. I envy there friendship at times. PG is a very cool guy. He like a brother to me. PG and Gunir are awesome.
Samar! I love Samar. He is my Joey from friends, though he isnt anything like him. Samar is intelligent and witty. He hasnt dated till now. Maybe because he is my back up. Haha. Samar is always happy, he tops the batch and is very very witty. He is the guy I go to when I need reassuring or anything. He is extremely amiable too.
These are my friends. My closest friends. We together are an eccentric yet sane bunch. We fight like crazy but we love eachother. But now I think we are falling apart as school life is coming to an end. With just 20 months left for school I want to record my moments with them, whether good or bad. I want to remember.. So this blog I dedicate to myself. :)
Thats it for today.
x