Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night. Had I known how to save a life" -The Fray

When you lose a close one, you are sad, you lose hope in life, you are in grief, but many a times, when they pass away unexpectedly, you lament. You wish you'd spent more time with them or not taken them for granted as you did. I lost my friend to an accident in March 2007, he didn't pass away immediately but I never got to meet him when he was hurt. It still hurts me when I hear someone calling a person with his name. I remember him, and I regret. Regret can make you feel guilty and angry I've heard... I was both...

It was March 2007, my friends and I were eagerly filling up our forms for an exchange program in Singapore. We were fresh in ninth grade then and were enjoying all the importance we got from our new teachers. I remember filling the form and praying to God, telling him that I'll do anything to go for the program, ANYTHING! I was very eager to go. The evening after school that day, I was online on MSN when Gunir came online; we were generally talking when all of a sudden he said that he was upset and would talk to me later. As Gunir was not a very serious person, his being upset seemed rather weird. When I asked him the reason he said that Shiven fell down while playing basketball at the RClub and hurt himself. He felt bad because he was supposed to be at the RClub with Shiven when the accident happened. I tried to reassure him by saying that it was just a fall, he'd be ok. Gunir logged off without a reply. I didn't pay much heed to the conversation till much later.

The next day in school, we had our interviews for the exchange program. I was very jittery, I had prepared all week for the interview and was hoping to get through. The interview went very smoothly for me and I was satisfied. Dipti, Urvika, Rushi J, Sunena were also interviewed. That day Gunir had been a little off in school and Shiven didn't attend school at all. With all the excitement and anxiety of the interview, I never really noticed Gunir's awkward behaviour. Online that evening, I asked Punit about Shiven, he said Shiven was hurt and was in the hospital and Gunir and he, with four or five other boys had just met him and come back. My girlfriends and I decided to meet Shiven in the hospital the next day.

In school the next day, the results of the interview were announced, Dipti, Urvika and I were chosen, but Sunena and Rushi J were not. I was happy for myself and for Dipti and Urvika. But I felt bad for my two best friends. They were distraught and cried too. That very same day, Shiven’s close friends asked us not to meet him at the hospital as he was feeling better and might return to school before Urvika, Dipti and I left for 2 weeks to Singapore. I was doubly happy that day and even RJ's and Sunena's moods lifted. In school, Dipti, Urvika and I hung out more that week, we attended our cultural dance practice sessions and took breaks together. I wasn't close to them before this and I began to spend more time with them than I had with Sunena or even RJ. I didn't realize this closeness would affect my friendship with everyone else later on. At the same time, we kept getting news of how the RClub sports dept had been irresponsible and this had led to Shiven’s accident. Shiven's condition was unknown to us since Gunir was kind of in a shell those days.

I remember going to the market to buy some necessities that day. When I came back I was eating lunch in my room with my sister. My phone rang and I picked it up, I was about to say that "I'll call you back" when my friend Stutee told me Shiven was no more... I don't remember saying anything then... I remember getting up and walking to my loo while listening to my friend sob on the phone, I remember cutting the call without saying anything to her and I remember crying... I remember my sister leaving her food and walking up to me and hugging me, I remember her understanding what happened without me telling her and I remember asking her to leave me alone for a bit after that.. I had felt the pain of losing close ones before, I've felt empty before too, but it had never happened so unexpectedly, never so suddenly. I just remember being hurt then and I remembered Shiven's happy-go-lucky smiling face, I never saw him in pain, but the thing was, I never saw him at all...

I went to school the next day, I hadn't been able to catch Gunir or Punit G or anyone on the phone that day. I never knew the how, the when, the why of the situation. I was angry at myself and I was angry at everything. Shiven had been my friend for 2 years. 2 years when my friends and I had had fun and grown closer. I had not been in touch with him that whole month of March and I felt like a b**** then. I felt stupid and very upset and angry.
In a stupid cultural practice that day, Dipti, Urvika and I were singing Michael Jackson's "Heal the World". Dipti and I weren't ourselves that day, I was going to Shiven's house with my mom, Sunena and Sunena's mom after school, and Shiven was all I could think about. Dipti and I looked at each other when the song began and feeling a lump rising in my throat I didn't sing, Dipti too seemed to be having problems while singing. We just stood there listening to our friends sing the song. In a rush, I remembered Shiven, Gunir, Sunena, Samar, PG, RJ and Dipti's happy moments together, I remembered our conversations and how much fun we had, I remembered all the times he had turned up late in class and how all of us had laughed at the funny hand wave he had done once in physics class, I laughed a little then, remembering the flick-like action, it had become a trademark-Shiven action. I laughed and then I noticed I was crying and Dipti was crying too. The song was almost over and our teacher was looking at us understandingly. Urvika tried to placate us both. She hadn't known Shiven well at all, but she was teary eyed too. I can't forget that day, it was then when the realization had hit me, Shiven was gone, he was gone forever...
At his house in the evening I met his sisters, his mom and his dad. Sunena and I had promised not to be weepy in front of his family, but seeing his family all in white and seeing his photo with a mala on it, we couldn't help but weep. RJ was nearby with her mom, she was crying too. She had been very close to Shiven as Gunir, PG, Shiven and she all lived nearby and they had known each other for a very long time.

On the next school day, in assembly, our principal announced Shiven's passing away. She made Gunir come on stage to say a few words about Shiven and how he felt and everything. There was actual silence in the hall that day, everybody was quiet. Gunir walked slowly towards ma'am, he was visibly crying, his face was glowing with tears when he took the mike, he tried to clear his throat in vain and said-"He was my best friend--"... He couldn't speak anymore. He didn't have too either. Everyone could hear the pain in his voice. It was evident what he 'felt'. That was the first time in my life I ever saw Gunir cry, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry again. That is when I realised he had lost his brother, his closest friend. I remember looking at Sunena then and thinking how would I be if anything ever happened to her. I would be as bad as Gunir I guess, probably uncontrollable... A lump was in my throat on seeing Gunir use the past tense to refer to Shiven, before I knew it I began crying again...
Sometimes I feel it was regret which made my tears so unstoppable. I regretted not meeting Shiven, having the chance and yet not taking it. Maybe if I had met him that week I would have just one more memory of him to remember him by and that would have made all the difference.
Soon there were reporters called to our school who took interviews of my friends and me. We spoke about Shiven and how he didn't do anything illegal by playing the club that day. The pole which had collapsed on him had been damaged badly; prior to Shiven and his friends playing there. No authorities had warned Shiven and his friends of the situation. It wasn't his fault! We stood by it then and we will stand by it forever.

The newspaper had an article about a march carried out by Shiven’s friends; the television dedicated a segment to him too. I have the article with me. Its shows a few friends of mine lighting candles around Shiven’s photograph, demanding justice from the RClub which wanted to give a complimentary lunch to all his friends along with one bouquet of flowers to placate all his close ones. Nice way to calm a crowd, eh? I don’t think so, it just worsened the situation.

Everyday there were new developments with the media as well as the exchange program. Till the 28th of that month I had completely forgotten that I had to go to Singapore, physically leave Delhi and GO there. I guess I had been attending those practices without thinking of the reason why I was attending them; it had all just been a big blur. When I was to actually go to Singapore on the 30th I wasn’t in any state to go, there was a rally that day the RClub, all my friends were going there, except D, U and me. I was going to the airport to leave, to go to S’pore. I know some of people thought I was being a heartless bitch, crying one day and leaving the country the next. I don’t think I ever got to explain myself to them, ever. I wanted to get out, to escape, I had already lost my beloved Nani before and I knew how it would be with Shiven, the rites and rituals, I knew I’d cry and be sad, I knew I would be depressed and hopeless for a awhile before everything started to be normal again.. I knew I was being unreasonable and stupid then too, I knew that I might regret not being there with everyone to get justice for him, but I also knew I wanted a clean end. I wanted to remember him and not how he died and got no justice. My parents had asked me if I’d like to cancel the program once or twice and I clearly remember saying no... I’m not ashamed of what I did, but again, I regret not staying back...

On the plane I remember sitting on the seat and thinking of everything that had happened in the past two weeks... My close friend had died of an accident, yet I was on a plane leaving for another country; I was leaving my friends behind fighting for Shiven, while some of my friends, namely Sunena and RJ, weren’t even on talking terms with me. My sister Zara has just finished with her 10th boards and I hadn’t even spent a minute with her for 3 months yet I was leaving her one day after her boards finished. Wow right? I remember chuckling at my life then, how much of a mess I was in. Everything was fixable I guess, everything except Shiven’s death, but it didn’t seem so then. I was happy I was running away from everything, I was happy I was getting a 2 week break and so I was really happy when I finally saw the plane taking off the runway. Finally.
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